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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25475167">What am I wearing?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarishSparkles/pseuds/StarishSparkles'>StarishSparkles</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Adventure Zone (Podcast)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Character Swap, Campaign: Amnesty (The Adventure Zone), Campaign: Balance (The Adventure Zone), Crossover, Hijinks &amp; Shenanigans</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 12:07:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,266</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25475167</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarishSparkles/pseuds/StarishSparkles</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>An abomination swaps the Pine Guard with the Tres horny boys - chaos ensues<br/>(Amnesty is set roughly after H2woah, and Balance is set after petals to the metal) </p>
<p>Alternatively titled: the taz crossover fic I wanted to read but couldn't find</p>
<p>The character list is incomplete, but basically it's most of the balance and Amnesty npcs</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>138</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. DM sets the scene #1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>If you're here from tiktok: sup don't read my other fics I'm probably never going to finish them<br/>If you're not: hi :)</p>
<p>The title comes from my inspiration for this fic - drawing the pine guard and thb in each others clothes</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>We see the landline for the Amnesty Lodge ring. We see a blond teenager answer the phone, recognise the voice at the other end, and call out to someone. We see as a large man with long, curly hair and a trimmed beard comes from the kitchen, wiping his hands dry with a tea towel as he takes the receiver and holds it up to his ear. We see his eyebrows furrow, and we see the first boy furiously gesturing to his friend as they try to figure out what's happening. The taller man puts down the receiver and asks a question, there is a response and a crunchy, earthy-looking blonde girl leaves the room. </p>
<p>Somewhere else, but not too far away, we see a young woman who's hands are aflame and beside her, two older men bearing weapons not of this world. They are fighting, but they can't see their opponent in the dark and, as we all know, it is very difficult to defeat an obscured enemy. There is a loud bang, and a shout.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Entering Amnesty</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Now, the story begins *finger guns*</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Magnus, watch out!"<br/>He ducked down, barely missing the swipe of a large claw that, as it buried itself in the dirt and pine needles by his feet, left six large grooves in the ground as it retreated. Taako was on his feet in an instant, brandishing his hand forward with a blade clasped in his palm before he realised and dropped it, patting his ill-fitting clothes down desperately for something he couldn't find.</p>
<p>Beside him, Merle was struggling to stand, but Magnus grabbed a large branch and began waving it around threateningly although he couldn't see the direction their enemy was attacking from, the effect slightly lost by Merle's background complaints as he tried to right himself. Something in the darkness roared, and it startled Magnus - so badly, in fact, that his hands burst into flames and set alight the branch he was holding. He yelled in surprise and flung it away from him, shaking his hands and blowing desperately on them until the fire was extinguished. The branch landed a few feet away and the silhouette of a large creature could be seen by the light of the flames, but it reared back away from the projectile and turned tail into the night.</p>
<p>The three of them stood in relative silence as they watched the branch crackle and eventually go out (thankfully the ground was too damp for the fire to catch). After a few moments they turned to each other, taking in their surroundings and their clothes. Magnus cleared his throat, his voice slightly weak and still scratchy with sleep. "Not to point out the obvious, but I didn't actually, uh, start a fire?" Merle blinked, and Taako adjusted his - smaller than usual, that's weird - hat and groaned, rubbing his eyes and yawning.<br/>"I'm not even convinced this is happening, I mean, I can't find my umbrastaff anywhere AND Magnus can do magic? Sounds fake to me boys."</p>
<p>Merle seemed more preoccupied with their surroundings while Magnus eyed his hands suspiciously, and neither answered him. There was a beat, and Merle shuffled over and started eyeing up the trees (much to Taako's chagrin). "Magnus, hey, I aced my perception check - look," and Merle gestured to the tree he'd been examining. "This is pine, and from what I can tell it stretches for miles. There's nothing like this in Faerûn."</p>
<p>There was a few moments of silence between them, then Taako suddenly stopped and turned to Magnus. "What the <em>hell</em> are you wearing?" In the moonlight, its clear that whatever trousers Magnus had been wearing had burst off him as they'd arrived in this place and he was currently left with a pair of torn fishnet tights, some red boots that, although too small, had held together fine, a tshirt that looked like it was about to tear at the seams, and a sleeveless denim jacket that, even with a large tear down one side, was much too small for his broad shoulders and looked very uncomfortable.</p>
<p>Magnus looked down at himself, then back up at Taako, then at himself again, and the others could practically see the mathematics equations in his head as he pulled off the jacket and started trying to peel off the tights.</p>
<p>The tension of the night seemed to break at that, and they all started examining the what they were wearing, casual conversation resuming. Merle seemed swamped by his, in too-large trousers with and a shirt-flannel-jumper combination that went down to his knees as well as a brown overcoat and a draping scarf, the latter two he pulled off as he tried to sort himself out. The shoes, although hiking boots made for a taller man, fit pretty well due to Merle's naturally large feet and the adjustable laces.</p>
<p>Taako, while still in oversized clothes, was much more upset - the beige shirt emblazoned with a logo he couldn't comprehend and straight cut green slacks with a matching necktie were the ugliest clothes he'd worn possibly ever, and he didn't intend to wear them any longer than he had to and he started pulling off the tie.</p>
<p>Magnus had started to shiver at this point - he was mostly naked and it was the middle of the night in a forest - so Taako handed him the larger shirt he'd removed and in return Magnus pulled off the tight red tshirt and handed it over a little sheepishly. Although he rolled his eyes, Taako did slip the shirt on and tie a knot on the bottom to hide that it was now oversized, and offered the green trousers and sensible shoes to Magnus as well, who accepted them gratefully although they were a little short.</p>
<p>The black shorts Taako discovered he was wearing underneath worked fine for himself, as he was much less affected by the cold than a human was. Merle offered Magnus his overcoat in return for the patched, spiked denim jacket, which he smugly put on over his red jumper and seemed to fit him just fine. Taako took Merles scarf and wrapped it loosely around his neck, more for style than actual practicality, and snagged Magnus' boots as he swapped them out. Magnus put the broken fishnet tights and Taako's tie in the pocket of his new coat, pulling out a few mints and a thin, black item in a case in the process that he tucked back in for future examination.</p>
<p>They noticed that Merle's hair had stayed up in the bun he often kept it in, but Taako's had come undone. Magnus had a hair tie around his wrist that he offered, Taako accepted it and quickly braided his hair into its usual plait and flicked it over his shoulder. He repositioned the brown hat on his heat to a more comfortable position but didn't remove it - he felt almost naked without a hat and this was the best option right now.</p>
<p>"Holy shit, you guys, my ears are pierced!" Magnus counted at least four earrings in each ear, and to his surprise they didn't feel sore at all, not like the one he'd gotten a few years back he'd let heal over. Taako quickly checked his, and found only one silver stud in his left ear lobe, not the array he usually had - however, he could feel that the piercings were still there all along his ears. Merle found diamond studs in his ears, not dissimilar to the ones he usually wore except with less enchantment on them.</p>
<p>Come to think of it, Taako hadnt sensed any magic since waking up in the middle of combat, and he voiced this to the other two. Merle agreed with him, but Magnus seemed confused. "Are you two sure? This place feels magic as hell. I can practically feel it!"<br/>The spellcasters shared a look, a terrible thought occurring to both of them at once.</p>
<p>"Hey, Mags, do me a favour real quick?" Taako held his palm put flat. "Try to make a flame, like you did before. What spell did you even… <em>use</em> for that?"</p>
<p>"Spell? Taako, you can't think I actually- there's no way-" Merle kicked Magnus in the shin and he yelped, and a flame jumped into Magnus' open palm. "I can't do mag- HOLY SHIT!" He fell backwards, arm outstretched in front of him as the flame sat a few inches above his palm, casting the first bright light they'd seen since the burning branch.</p>
<p>Magnus was sat on the floor dumbfounded, Taako was leaning over to look at the flame and Merle was trying to warm his hands on it when they heard someone clear their throat behind them.. "Hey fellas, I know a guy who'd have y'alls asses if he knew you were starting fires in these woods, so could ya put that out?"</p>
<p>Turning at the noise, it didn't escape any of their notice that the human woman had a weapon and that she seemed nervous, glancing at something in the middle of the clearing they were sitting to one side of. Magnus obediently closed his hand into a fist and the flame disappeared, plunging them back into darkness and the only sound was of Magnus' surprise that it had actually worked until there was a 'click' and the woman held up a torch as she approached them.</p>
<p>"I don't know why y'all are starting campfires here, it's not safe in these woods at night - Where's your campsite?" She'd shone her flashlight at the ground by their feet, until suddenly Merle stepped forward into the beam and opened his mouth - Taako could smell a deception roll a mile off - but before he could speak she gasped. "That's Aubrey's jacket- and Ned's scarf- are you wearing Duck's <em>uniform</em>? Who are you three and what have you done with them?" She levelled her weapon at them, and although none of them knew what it did they all recognised the look in her eyes and Magnus scrambled to explain.</p>
<p>"We don't know! All I remember is going to sleep in my room, and waking up here in some really tiny clothes," he said, flushing a little, "fighting some kind of dark monster and bring able to do magic now! Look!" and he set his fist alight again, waving it around to emphasise his point.</p>
<p>Taako butted in, "He's right, that thing had huge fucking claws and I had a <em>sword</em>, an honest to pan <em>melee weapon</em>, and no umbrella!"</p>
<p>"Yeah! And all my clothes are huge!" Merle added.<br/>The woman looked pale. She looked between the three of them, taking in their familiar clothing and Magnus' flaming fist, taking a deep breath before lowering her weapon and leaning in close to Magnus. "Aubrey, is that you?" He blinked, and shook his head slowly.<br/>"I'm Magnus Burnsides," he said, but it came out as more of a question and the woman barked out a quiet laugh. "Well isn't that some goddamn fantasy shit. Alright then, Magnus Burnsides. What about you two?" and she eyed up Taako and Merle.</p>
<p>"Merle highchurch, at your service!" he offered a hand, and the woman actually let out a low whistle.<br/>"Merle fucking Highchurch? That's- that's a goddamn name, wow." and she put her hands on her hips before reconsidering and shaking his. He breezed past the strange response with only a slight chuckle at the added, correct, middle name, and gestured to Taako to introduce himself.</p>
<p>"Let's step back for just one second, homie. What's your handle, first?"<br/>"You can call me Mama."<br/>The three of them nodded, and she seemed a little surprised by the easy acceptance of it but brushed it off. "And yours?"<br/>"I'm Taako, you know, from TV?" and he filtered his eyelashes for effect. She blinked, uncomprehending.<br/>"I don't, uh, watch much TV- your name is <em>Taco</em>? You must be- you've got to be shitting me."<br/>The boys shared a look. "No?"</p>
<p>Suddenly her face dropped. "if y'all are here, and they aren't - the abomination must've gotten to them! Shit, I need to tell Barclay, we can't do anything about it here, you all need to come with me."<br/>There was a pause, before Magnus shrugged and whispered to the others, "We might as well go, we don't know where we are and it can't hurt to get out of this forest."<br/>Mama raised an eyebrow. "You know I heard all of that, right? Whatever, we need to go." and she turned away. Magnus and Merle followed, but Taako darted away and grabbed the sword he'd dropped earlier, the one with the creepy mouth, and the other brightly coloured weapon Merle had been wielding when they arrived before following behind.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. We need a nap</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Our boys need a nap, what more can I say</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Following Mama down the forest trail took longer than anticipated - she seemed nervous, and Taako had handed off the sword to Magnus just in case anything dangerous decided to jump out, but thankfully the trip was mostly uneventful. As they reached the point where the forest thinned out to reveal a large wooden building the early morning sun had just started to rise, and both Mama and Magnus appreciated both being able to see without the help of the flashlight. </p>
<p>

Magnus had to admire the dedication of this structure to it's aesthetic - the Amnesty Lodge was mostly wooden, with autumn colours enhanced by the sun's rays and a roof of warm brown tiles, and thick curtains pulled close in almost every upstairs room only helped to bring it all together. Mama didn't stop to let them appreciate the beauty of it however, crunching over the gravel drive in her heavy boots and beckoning them to follow with her free hand. She fiddled with a ring on her belt for a moment, using one of the keys on it to unlock the heavy wooden front door before pulling it open and stepping through.</p>
<p>

 The boys followed in line, taking in with no small amount of impressed whistling the large open fireplace, the variety of comfy armchairs dotted around, the paintings and ornaments that were masterfully crafted, and the glass fittings on the walls that they could see by the early morning light. Mama walked over to a far wall, dropping her weapon onto a table as she passed, and flicked a switch and all the glass lights around the room turned on. They effectively brightened the room and cast long golden shadows, and Taako and Merle started - Magnus may take magic at face value, but the spellcasters knew that there were steps to take to cast spells that she definitely didn't perform and they shared a look. </p>
<p>

There's no use waking everyone else up now, it's-" and Mama pulled up her sleeve to check her wrist "-nearly 5:30, you should get some rest. I don't know where y'all came from, but you could definitely use a nap and some good food in the morning. We've a few spare rooms, or a group one if you'd prefer?"</p>
<p>

 Taako spoke first. "I don't need sleep, but these two chucklefucks definitely do, so we'll take the group room. I don't trust all this," and he crossed his arms, "but some good food isn't something that's easy to come by on the bureau, so I'm interested." </p><p>

"You don't need--come on, don't be like that, you'll get into some bad habits there mister Taco- you are a mister, right? Sorry, what are y'alls pronouns? Mine are, uh, she/her."</p>
<p>

  Magnus grinned at the question, and proudly stated 'he/him' while Merle nodded the same and taako pointed his thumb at them over his shoulder. "He/him but I'll accept they/them, no biggie." Mama nodded, looking a little relieved that she didn't mess up, and began to walk towards a large, carpeted wooden staircase when she noticed a small pile of folded clothes on the largest armchair in the room with a note on top. She grabbed it and read it quickly, shaking her head and over her shoulder Magnus caught the name 'Indrid' before she dropped the note in her pocket and handed each of them a change of clothes in (mostly) their sizes. </p>
<p>

"These should do y'all for some clothes that actually fit," and she glanced down at Merle's trousers that he'd rolled up and then tucked into his boots, "although they're spares so they might not be your style." Each of them accepted the clothes, a little confused, and kept hold of them as Mama lead them upstairs with a motion to be quiet (Magnus failed the stealth check and tripped on one of the steps, but Mama caught him by the shoulder before he hit the ground and pulled him up with surprising strength), before stopping outside a seemingly random door halfway down the corridor. </p>
<p>

 She pulled the handle, flicking another switch on the wall to reveal a fairly basic room with two large beds and a side table with a lamp, and a second door labeled 'bathroom' that Taako immediately appreciated. "Unfortunately we don't have any other available group rooms, the others are currently in use - so this is the best I can get for y'all at short notice. Would you rather individual rooms, or is this alright? Again, we weren't expecting company tonight." </p>
<p>

 Magnus answered quickly that it'd be alright (assumedly through a mix of politeness and his unwillingness to split from his friends), so Mama said her goodbyes and disappeared to her own room. Alone, the three of them took a collective breath, Magnus kicking off his shoes while shedding his overcoat and shirt before climbing into one of the beds (that was thankfully long enough for him, he'd had trouble with small inn beds in the past) and fell asleep. Taako scoffed, although he still leant over to help Merle as the dwarf tried to pull the duvet over the sleeping figure. </p>
<p>

 The remaining two examined the room, Merle hooking his new denim jacket over one of the bed posts as he looked through the contents of the side table drawers (he found a half-empty box of tissues and a leaflet for Kepler Ski Slopes) while Taako went to check out the bathroom. </p>
<p>

Inside he found a wash basin, a toilet that looked strangely futuristic - all white, how strange - and a shower, and as he passed the mirror he realised he wasn't wearing any makeup. He struck a pose and deemed it mostly acceptable for the hour, turning on his heel and heading out to see that Merle had taken off his many layers and was left in just the oversized flannel shirt as it was the softest of the three. Taako thought that it would be adorable if it wasn't <em>Merle</em>, and they quickly decided that as Merle definitely wouldn't need the whole bed and Taako meditated anyway Merle would use the top end and Taako would sit cross-legged at the bottom, and they settled down to get the few hours of peace they could before the rest of the Amnesty Lodge woke up and they had to deal with what had happened to them.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Meeting the locals</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Me, realising that stern can't be here for this: HE GOES UPSTAIRS TO WRITE REPORTS ok that's fine</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"JAKE, GET YOUR ASS OUTTA BED!" Magnus jerked awake, groaning as he sat up, looking over to see that Merle was stirring across from him and that Taako hadn't woken up at all. Magnus sat up, rubbing his eyes, and threw his pillow at Taako before glancing at the clock on the wall, telling him that it was roughly 9:45.</p>
<p>Taako woke up with a start, looking around alert until he processed the situation and his shoulders relaxed. He threw it back at Magnus, cursing him out, and Merle laughed as they all started getting ready to face whatever awaited them downstairs. Merle grabbed his gifted clothes and started changing, ending up in a pair of neon blue trousers that were probably human-siized shorts and a pink tshirt with a butterfly printed on the front paired with the denim jacket and his hiking boots from the night before. All in all, not his worst outfit.</p>
<p>Magnus swung his legs off the bed and pulled off the green trousers - that were looking quite wrinkled, they didn't seem to take well to being slept in - swapping them put for some dark blue jeans that were a little tight and a large, green flannel shirt. He silently mourned the missing weight of a ring on his left hand as he fiddled with his new piercings, unused to them. He glanced down at his hand and realised it was smudged red and panicked for a second before realising it wiped off fine. He hopped off the bed and went around to the mirror in the bathroom, eyes widening in surprise to see that he had red and black smudged eyeshadow all around his eyes, and that he appeared to be wearing foundation that almost perfectly matched his skin tone. Weird. He shrugged, deciding to take it off as it felt quite uncomfortable after being slept in, and washed his face until it was clean using the strange water mechanism in the basin.</p>
<p>Taako removed his black shorts in favour of the pastel blue skirt he'd been given, along with a graphic tshirt he didn't recognise the logo of (what's 'cavetown'?) and slipped back on the red boots he'd been wearing before - he noticed the name doc martens on one side, and wondered idly if they were the original owner of the boots. Oh well, they were Taako's now.</p>
<p>The three of them headed down the stairs - in the daylight they could see that the red carpet complemented the dark wood of the banister and the paintings that dotted the wooden panelling on the walls were landscapes of snowy mountains and valleys bathed in winter sun. Magnus commented on the craftsmanship of the staircase as the sounds of voices became louder, and as they reached the base of the stairs the conversation died down almost instantly.</p>
<p>There were at least seven people in this room of varying ages, all human, and nearly every pair of eyes was on them - all except for one human man in the back of the room who hadn't looked up from his newspaper. Mama stood up from where she'd been sitting around with two blonde humans (a boy in his late teens and a young woman they'd guess to be in her 20s) and beckoned them over.</p>
<p>"Dani, Jake, this is Magnus, Merle and Taco, I found them out in the woods last night." and she turned to face them and continued, "These two are my charges, I'm looking after them for, uh, the time being." In the background, Taako noticed the human man who'd been reading a newspaper stand up and go upstairs, rubbing his eyes under his glasses and mumbling something about reports that Taako could just about catch with his heightened elven hearing."</p>
<p>Oh, like Taako and Angus!" Magnus interjected, and Merle chuckled.</p>
<p>He was about to butt in when the human woman, Dani, spoke up - "Why are you wearing Aubrey's jacket, Magnus?" Magnus looked down at himself and then at Merle, correcting her mistake, and she apologised but her voice seemed a little unsteady. "Merle, then. What happened out there last night?" Merle glanced at Mama, recognising that this woman was clearly upset, but she nodded and Merle started to explain.</p>
<p>He told her that they'd woken up fighting a dark monster in clothes they didn't recognise, but it ran away when Magnus set a branch on fire with magic he didn't recognise. After that Mama turned up and brought them in for the night, and provided them with a change of clothes. Telling the story (and rolling a low perception check), he didn't notice that the whole room was listening in, but the others did and they both saw the reaction as Merle said the word 'magic'.</p>
<p>The other blond, Jake, seemed to be thinking very hard and he bit his lip with scrunched up eyebrows (and Taako felt deep in his soul that he was in the presence of a beloved character) before asking, "So, what you're telling me is that Magnus is the one who was in Aubrey's clothes, and he has fire magic now? Can that be a coincidence?"</p>
<p>There was a beat of silence, before a large man in an apron that read 'kiss the cryptid' stepped out of the kitchen doorway, walked over to them and sat down next to Mama."Why aren't you three freaking out about magic?"</p>
<p>"I am! I'm used to being the only non-spellcaster in the party, having fire powers is weird!" and for effect, he lit his fist on fire for a few seconds before extinguishing it. "I don't even know how I did that!"</p>
<p>Taako eyed the new arrival up and down, stage whispering "I don't think that's exactly what he meant, Mags," before answering properly. "Quick question, Mr rugged &amp; domestic - does this area have, say, magical properties?" And the room froze. He'd assumed that wherever they were <em>didn't</em> have normal magic, but the instinctive reaction of everyone in the room told him otherwise. "Okay, so your silence is telling me that there are, but… it's a secret? No biggie, your old man Taako can keep a secret. What's going on? Aliens? Please be aliens."</p>
<p>Mama sighed, and shook her head. "You're just as bad as Duck, no it's not aliens. One question - where you're from, because I assume at this point it's not Sylvaine, is there magic?"</p>
<p>Taako rolled his eyes. "Obviously, I'm a motherfucking wizard!" and he waggled his ears for emphasis.</p>
<p>Jake's jaw dropped.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. DM sets the scene #2: electric boogaloo</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>We see an older woman sitting at her desk by the light of a small flame, working through some papers and rubbing her eyes as she checks the time. We see, further into the compound, a small boy curled up in his bedroom.</p>
<p>In a similar room but a different corridor, a large man changes into his pyjamas and sits on his bed as he fiddles with his wedding ring. We see in the room opposite as someone brushes their hair and flicks through a tome, and in a space between the two an older figure nursing a steaming mug and patiently unbraiding flowers from his beard.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. I don't think we're in Kepler any more</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Duck was still in dueling position when he suddenly appeared in a dorm room, still mid-shout from trying to warn Ned, falling back as he tried to process his surroundings. The room was ornately decorated, with patterned fabrics and a huge collection of oddities scattered all around, with a bed that seemed mostly untouched. The whole room was dimly lit with a white/blue light that he couldn't identify the source of (he chalked it up to hidden LEDs), and he was definitely not wearing his own clothes.</p>
<p>They felt heavy, and soft, two things that his ranger uniform were not. He was also wearing a large hat, with dangly charms that jingled as he looked around so he pulled it off, only to discover that it was an honest to god wizard hat, star charm on the end and all. He shook his head and threw it like a heavy frisbee onto the bed, and as he stepped forward to check out the room he tripped - were his boots heeled? - so quickly unlaced them and stood barefoot on the wood floor. He stared around, muttering 'If this is heaven I want to speak to the manager' before being interrupted by loud shouting.</p>
<p>"Duck! Ned!" Fuck, that was Aubrey's voice, is she okay? He heard the sound of a door opening and an exclamation, so quickly rushed out of the door in his own room - only to come out into a large common room, where he could see Aubrey on the other side in front of a red painted door in a large shirt and shorts patterned with dogs, looking panicked. As she caught sight of him she grinned and rushed forward, only to stop halfway and slap her hands over her eyes and turn away from something he couldn't quite see.</p>
<p>He stepped further into the room to look around, and, catching sight of Ned in a hulk-style outfit of torn hawaiian shirt and grey shorts that were basically boxers on him, he tried very hard to not laugh (but mostly failed). Aubrey ran back into the room she came out of, rooting around and throwing a white cotton shirt with LARPing vibes and a pair of brown trousers in Ned's general direction, which he quickly grabbed and changed into. Once he was decent, the three of them started to actually look around. Wherever they were, it didn't seem to be a torture chamber of any kind - in fact, the cupboards were well stocked and Ned munched on a can of pringles as he inspected the place.</p>
<p>They realised they were wearing matching bracers on their right arms that fit perfectly to their arms, but as they couldn't find a way to remove them they soon moved to look around again, simply filing the information away for later.</p>
<p>There were four doors out of the common room; a red one, a green one, a purple one, and a white one, all wooden. From the positioning Duck assumed the white door was the exit, so he left it unchecked because if they were trapped in he was gonna find that out as late as possible, thank you very much. </p>
<p>Behind the purple door was the one Duck had appeared in - further inspection showed a side bathroom with a sink and an old-fashioned toilet, a desk that seemed at odds with the aesthetic of the room containing a few large books in a language Duck couldn't identify, a large wardrobe containing a wide variety of colourful clothes he recognised as similar to the ones he had on now (he was wearing a fitted lacy shirt that was much too tight with a sparkly waistcoat over the top, a purple cape that pooled a little on the floor now that he'd taken off the heels, and a turquoise skirt with a stretchy waistband that fit fine) and Aubrey began to search through them excitedly.</p>
<p>He reached in and, taking off the waistcoat and cape, quickly swapped out the shirt for a larger one that looked like it came from Aubrey's room - at Aubreys insistence he begrudgingly pulled the waistcoat back on. There was also a red umbrella with a golden tip leaning against the far wall. After rifling through the pile of oddities and finding nothing that actually explained what was going on, Duck sat on the bed and debated for a second before reaching for the umbrella, figuring that something this ornate would look amazing opened up.</p>
<p>As he touched the cold handle, however, he got a shock of electricity that would have burned a lesser man and once again Duck thanked his natural armour. "That was a hell of a static shock, what even is this thing made of?" and he tapped his fingers to the floor to ground himself before brushing his knuckles against the actual red part of the umbrella and was immediately blasted across the room, hitting the far wall with an 'oof' that knocked all the wind out of him.</p>
<p>Ned shouted through, "Are you alright in there, friend Duck?" and he groaned an affirmative as Aubrey spun around. "What happened -damn, Duck, are you okay? What the fuck?" and she offered him her hand, which he took and she pulled him up. "I'm fine," he said, rubbing the base of his spine with a slight grimace, "but don't touch that freaky umbrella over there. It's SENTIENT and it HATES ME."</p>
<p>The last part was aimed at the umbrella itself, and Duck was sure he saw a crackle of electricity along the handle for just a moment so he threw one of his heeled boots at it and stuck his tongue out. There was no response from the umbrella, and Aubrey shook her head before disappearing out the door with an armful of clothes.</p>
<p>As Aubrey closed the red door behind her, she spread the clothes she'd pilfered from Duck's room on the wrinkled bed (this one patterned with stars) and started to change - having no bra wasn't ideal, but the clothes she'd found would do in a pinch until she could find something proper. She ended up in a pair of racing leather trousers that looked like they'd been through a lot, a light blue vest top with a helpful underwire and a sheer long sleeved white shirt on top, and some comfortable heeled boots (slightly big, but they'd do).</p>
<p>She checked her ears for earrings and was only mildly surprised to find that she didn't have any in. She shrugged, whoever lived in this room clearly didn't have any so she'd check the other rooms in a minute.</p>
<p>She only noticed she was wearing a ring when it fell off - she heard it plink to the ground and squatted down to pick it up. It was a plain gold band that fit comfortably on her thumb, but as she spun it between her fingers she noticed some engraving on the inside. After squinting and holding it up to the lamp on the desk she managed to make out the words '<em>Julia, for as long as we both shall live</em>' and she smiled softly. This guy (she assumed from his clothing) must really love his wife. She half-hoped she'd get to meet her. Standing back up, she set the ring down on the desk - it wasn't hers to wear.</p>
<p>Just a cursory glance of this room told her that a woodcarver (what was the word? Oh right, carpenter, like Jesus!) lived here - there were whittling tools and a basket full of shavings by the large desk, and on it sat a family of wooden ducks, each a little smaller than the last. Aubrey patted each of them on the head with two fingers and noted that the desk was the same as in Duck's room before turning to the rest of the room.</p>
<p>A utility belt had been discarded on the floor and Aubrey picked it up, finding a variety of interesting items that didn't seem to have a discernable purpose - she clicked the element belt buckle over to 'fire' and chuckled to herself - and saw a goldfish clipped on too. It was in an enclosed ball, and the little label attached to it read 'mystery bag prize: [your name here] the goldfish! It's safe in there trust me, that's the Fantasy Costco Guarantee™!'. She sat it down a little confusedly, but didn't question it and put the belt over the back of the desk chair.</p>
<p>Leant against one wall were an array of weapons, the most notable being a huge axe that looked like she would barely be able to lift, let alone swing with any degree of accuracy. She shook her head, and headed into the common room once again.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, Ned was checking out the last room, with the green door. He was the only one who hadn't arrived behind a coloured door, and although he couldn't figure out why it didn't stop him from entering and examining the room. He was surprised to see that everything was designed for a much smaller person, although in hindsight it made sense. There was a bed and a bedside drawer, a door left ajar that he could see led to a bathroom, and a battleaxe leant against a cupboard that seemed to gathering dust.</p>
<p>The most interesting thing in the room though, and the most impressive, was the large collection of potted plants that lined the room; some were even balanced on the end of the bed and he could see a few braided flower crowns hung over one of the bedposts. He headed further into the room, poking through the wardrobe and finding a variety of hawaiian shirts, plain trousers (and a few skirts) that were the size, but not the proportions, of a young child. At the bottom were a few rows of shoes - a pair of battered sandals with some socks tucked into them, big boots that looked slightly sandy, and a pair of plain brown lace up shoes.</p>
<p>Ned pulled out the latter pair, and lined the sizing up with his foot (there was no size listed on the shoe itself) and after finding a clean pair of socks in a cupboard he put them on to find that they fit pretty well. He couldn't understand why, what with the small clothes, but he wasn't questioning a good thing. He headed back out to the common room.</p>
<p>Aubrey was perched on a stool in the kitchen part of the room where Ned appeared, staring suspiciously at a large carpet on the far side. So far they hadn't seen any windows and the light seemed to come, inconceivably, from everywhere with no definitive source, and Duck was walking around the room pulling the genetic artwork a few inches away from the wall to check for a safe or anything suspicious, but so far had only found a price tag on the back of a particularly boring piece with the units in 'GP'.</p>
<p>He was about to show this to the others (was GP British money? He couldn't remember) when Aubrey stood up and grabbed a corner of the heavy carpet, pulling hard until it came away.</p>
<p>The glass floor underneath the carpet seemed to show only ominous, dark grey, moving shapes that spanned as far as they could see in any direction. They all stared, their room seemed to be at least 50ft higher and that begged the obvious question - where were they?</p>
<p>It was only when the shapes parted slightly - <em>holy shit are those what I think they are?</em> - that they realised they weren't 50ft off the ground. They were above the clouds, in the sky, most definitely not where they were half an hour ago.</p>
<p>"WHAT THE <em>FUCK</em>?!"</p>
<p>Through the glass as the clouds continued to part, they could make out what looked like a map spread out before them, a few gathered glittering lights in two distinct places on the surface, one much larger than the other. Ned didn't take his eyes off the glass floor as he spoke, "Is- is that Kepler?"</p>
<p>Duck shook his head, curiously tapping his foot against the glass and dropping a stone he found in his pocket on it (nothing happened except a satisfying 'plunk' sound). "There's no way, the populated areas are in the wrong place. This, wherever it is, is really, really weird." he paused, and turned to the others with a grin on his face. "It's aliens!!"</p>
<p>Ned rolled his eyes, but Aubrey hesitated, glancing at the world below before shaking her head. "It's not aliens Duck, they'd have come to kill us, or at the very least, check up on us or something by now if it was aliens."</p>
<p>Ned nodded and continued, "Its probably something to do with the bom-bom, we just need to figure out what."</p>
<p>There was a knock on the door, and everyone froze.</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. They interrupted the neighbours</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I just wanna say I'm not sure how regular updates will be bc I don't have a concrete plan for this, but there's a lot of individual interactions I'm excited for so there will definitely be more - on that note, enjoy</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The knock came again, louder this time, rapping against the door impatiently. <br/>After a few seconds a female voice could be heard, scratchy from sleep and irritated. “Can you three keep it down? Some of us have to be up for training in a few hours and need our sleep!”</p>
<p>The Pine Guard looked at each other, putting together that whoever was on the other side of the door had brought them there or at least knew something about them – she knew there was three of them at least. Duck opened his mouth to ask a question about where they were, but Aubrey suddenly slapped a hand over his mouth and furiously began to whisper to the others. “We’re in other people’s clothes, what if she doesn’t know somethings wrong? We might have the element of surprise!” Ned furrowed his brow and nodded, mumbling that she definitely didn’t seem particularly dangerous. </p>
<p>“... Guys? I know you’re awake, I heard you shouting about something earlier.”<br/>Duck started gesturing that they needed to say something, so Ned cleared his throat and stepped a little close to the door, Aubrey crossing her fingers that his natural talent of BSing his way out of situations would pay off. “Of course, my sincerest apologies, friend! We will try to keep the noise down as to not disturb you any further!” Duck glanced nervously between Ned and the door as the silence stretched on. </p>
<p>“Was that <em>Merle</em>? Right, I’m coming in, don’t be naked.” And the handle began to turn.</p>
<p>Aubrey scrambled forward to stand next to Ned, calling out “No, don’t! I’m not decent!” and they all watched as the handle stopped, the door unlatched but still closed. There was a few seconds of tense silence. </p>
<p>“There’s no way they’d actually- did those dumbasses bring one of the racers back to the base? The Director is gonna have their asses. Miss, I’m coming in for security reasons, please sort yourself out before I do.” And there was a pause as the other person waited, assumedly to give Aubrey time, and the three of them looked around wildly to find anything to either hide behind or disguise themselves with, whispering furiously, but they were too slow and the door opened before they had chance to make a decision. </p>
<p>Standing in the doorway was a 5”3 half-lizard woman wearing oversized pyjamas in the same shade of blue as her skin, who seemed to be partly shielding her eyes respectfully until she caught sight of the three of them (and more notably the lack of the three people she was expecting), and dropped her hand. “Who are you guys? It’s pretty damn hard to sneak three people onto the Bureau, even <em>with</em> the reclaimers’ help!” She seemed half-impressed and half-annoyed, the look of someone who has dealt with a lot from these so-called ‘reclaimers’ and wasn’t phased anymore. </p>
<p>There was a few seconds of stunned silence as they took her in, then Aubrey stood straighter and patted herself down for her Pine Guard patch (which she couldn’t find) before she cleared her throat a little awkwardly and offered out her hand, element of surprise clearly lost. </p>
<p>“I’m Aubrey, it’s great to meet you! I don’t know exactly why we’re here or how we ended up in Sylvain, but we’re with the Pine Guard and if we can see Alexandra she might be able to explain? We were fighting an abomination and somehow ended up here, but we really need to get home because it’s still on the loose and we’re the only ones equipped to deal with it.” </p>
<p>Both Duck and Ned relaxed; if they were in Sylvain at least they could get back easily. The lizard woman seemed confused though, and warily shook Aubrey’s hand (Aubrey tried not to stare at her talons too obviously as she did so). “I’m Carey, and I don’t know an Alexandra, or anything about abominations.” Carey paused as she took in what they were wearing and the lack of others present in any of the rooms. “What’s Sylvain?” </p>
<p>Suddenly she grabbed Aubrey’s arm and spun her around, pulling her flush to her body and producing a small knife from somewhere on her person that she levelled against Aubrey’s neck. “I don’t know who you are or what you’ve done with the reclaimers, so start talking. Nobody accidentally <em>ends up</em> here.”<br/> <br/>Aubrey had let out a cry of surprise when Carey had first moved, but now only stared at her friends, eyes wide as her hands started to shake. <br/>“We don’t know!” Duck burst out, and ran a hand through his hair, blue roots visible as he did so. “We were fighting an abomination, Ned went down, I black out and suddenly I’m standing in a bedroom dressed like some kind of wizard-“ he gestured at himself for emphasis, “-and apparently we’re in the air now? Is this a spaceship?” </p>
<p>Carey critically eyed both him and Ned, who continued. “He’s telling the truth! I had my Narf Blaster, but before I could shoot anything it got me and I was suddenly here, wearing <em>definitely</em> not enough clothing and we haven’t seen anyone but you since we arrived!” </p>
<p>Carey made the face of someone who was rolling an insight check before slowly lowering her knife and stepping back. She looked them up and down as Aubrey stumbled back over to the others and Ned put his arm around her shoulders protectively, and sighed deeply as she rubbed her temples. </p>
<p>“I believe you, this isn’t the weirdest thing I’ve had to deal with...  We need to talk to the Director.” </p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Wait, is this dnd?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Lucretia!!!</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks to the awesome tttazzz discord for answering my dnd questions :))))</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><br/>“... And that’s all we know.” Duck offered the Director a tired smile, and she nodded in return even though he could see the worry she held in her eyes for the three missing reclaimers. There were seven people in the room currently; Aubrey, Ned, Duck, Carey, the Director (a tall dark-skinned woman in her late 50s), and two people who hadn’t introduced themselves – a tall muscular woman with green skin wearing a set of pyjamas with a blue logo, and a small light-skinned man who looked quite overdressed in a formal button up jacket with ginger swept back hair and a large moustache. </p>
<p>The Director had listened to them as they laid out everything they understood - these people seemed unwitting victims of whatever had happened as much as they were because if their missing friends (Duck was still on the ‘aliens’ theory as clearly only the three of them, the director and possibly the shorter man were human) and seemed to take the information surprisingly well considering a lot of it was about magical creatures wreaking havoc. She in turn explained that they were on a base called the Bureau of Balance, which was an organisation dedicated to removing dangerous artefacts from circulation and destroying them. Duck commented that the description was suspiciously secretive, while Ned simply nodded sagely and tapped the side of his nose, winking. </p>
<p>“Duck, Aubrey, Edmund – clearly there is something very wrong here, and you think it has something to do with an... abomination? Are you talking in the literal sense of the word or is that a title for a certain creature?” An intelligent question, one they explained to the best of their ability, and she nodded gravely. “I see. Carey, Killian, Davenport, could you please set up one of the empty dorms, perhaps Robbie’s old room, for these three? I’d rather they not root through <em>all</em> of the reclaimers’ belongings.” She offered a tired smile as they nodded, yawning, and the Pine Guard waved an awkward goodbye as they left. </p>
<p>Once they were gone, the Director turned towards them, looking suddenly much wiser, and so much more exhausted as she looked at each of them in turn before speaking. “Voidfish.”</p>
<p>Ned blinked, Duck glanced at him confusedly and Aubrey fiddled with her lacy sleeves. “Okay? We don’t know what that is.”</p>
<p>A sharp intake of breath. A pause. “Lup Taaco.”</p>
<p>Duck raised an eyebrow, and sat forward in his chair. “What kind of test is this? I don’t know what we’re supposed to be understanding here, unless you mean an actual taco but somehow I doubt it.”</p>
<p>The director sat heavily down on her chair (Aubrey thought it wasn’t as impressive as it would be been on her throne in the other room, but didn’t comment) and seemed overwhelmed for just a moment before composing herself. Ned and Duck shared a look, but the Director simply readjusted the collar of her dress and looked like she was deciding something before pulling out a few sheets of paper from her desk and setting them out in front of her. “Are you all human? Do you have any dietary requirements? Any health issues we should be aware of? Because if you’re right, and the issue comes from your world, you might be here a while. Especially if the reclaimers are the ones expected to fix it.” </p>
<p>Once everything was cleared up, the Director handed them each a small leather bag from a desk drawer and explained that the money had been for the reclaimers from their last mission down in Goldcliff (Ned privately noted the name as a place to visit should he get the chance) but as they were currently unavailable the money would be better spent with them, to buy clothes and items at the Fantasy Costco – she handed Duck a well-drawn sketch of the area with the dorms, her office and the Fantasy Costco labelled on it. </p>
<p>The three of them silently decided not to question the name and simply see for themselves. It was only when she began to allude of the four of them getting some sleep before the rest of the Bureau woke up and the day would really begin that Aubrey piped up, “What’s with the huge picture of you on the wall? Intimidation tactics?” she joked, but the Director seemed to stiffen before answering, opening and closing her mouth a few times before settling on a response. “I painted it. Now, unless you have any more questions-”</p>
<p>Ned cleared his throat. “Not to sound unobservant, but there’s a few basic questions we’ve overlooked? Like, what’s with the apparently hovering base, and the ground underneath that my friend Duck doesn’t think is Kepler? Why are the two good women from before primary colours? Why are you so casual about magic? And why on <em>earth</em> is this room all pink and glowy and shit?” </p>
<p>The Director nodded slowly, and agreed that they did seem like important questions, although they could all see that her mind was whirring. “We’re on the moon. Well, a moon base. And the ground below us is the road between Neverwinter and... the remains of Phandalin.” At their blank looks, she elaborated, “Neverwinter is one of the largest towns in Faerûn, and Phandalin was destroyed recently by Magnus and co in the attempt to collect a dangerous artefact.” She looked suddenly regretful like she hadn’t meant to say the last part, and Aubrey looked a little sick.</p>
<p>She continued nonetheless, “Carey is a Dragonborn and Killian is an Orc, I don’t quite understand the question – are different races other colours where you come from? On the topic, magic is everywhere here, and some people – wizards, sorcerers, bards, clerics etc. – can access it to cast spells, like the Zone Of Truth cast on this room at the moment.”</p>
<p>Aubrey stepped forward, “Cool it, Harry Potter. Where are the cameras?” and she started to check under the desk and around the room as the others stared at her. “Didn’t you hear her? Wizard, Bard, and sorcerer are dnd classes! Carey is a <em>dragonborn</em>? This must be faked! Zone of truth my ass, watch this! I’m-!” she stopped dead, hand still reaching under the desk. “I’m-! Why can’t I say it?” she stood up and stared around, turning back to the Director slowly. “I... actually can’t lie. So unless this is some weird veritaserum shit, you’re telling the truth about the spell.” She seemed fairly convinced, but pointed at the Director nonetheless as she said “Cast something. Prove it to me.”</p>
<p>The Director waved her hand and immediately it was as if a pink visor had been removed, and the flower petals that had been floating around anime-style disappeared too. She pressed her hands together and Aubrey rubbed her eyes, blinking. </p>
<p>“If you're right... this world is a dnd game? Or just operates by those rules? Do you think your world is controlled by a DM somewhere, writing all of you into existence? Who would the player characters be? <em>Holy shit are we the player characters?</em> What kind of deity would even do this? Do you think it has anything to do with the bom-boms? Do we even exist or were we designed by someone too? What if-”</p>
<p>“Aubrey.” She looked up, and the Director took a deep breath. “Other planes of existence definitely exist, and my best guess is that yours simply operates by different rules to ours. I highly doubt that our world is controlled by one person, a ‘DM’, as you say - we have enough gods as it is, and I can’t imagine they’d be too happy with an even higher power.” </p>
<p>Duck seemed deep in thought, but looked up as Aubrey started to calm down. “So... dnd rules huh? What are our classes?” Ned looked completely lost by the conversation, so he quickly cleared up that ‘dnd is a role-playing game, improv and rolling dice, it’s good fun you should try it sometime when we get back’ and Ned nodded. <br/>The Director thought for a moment. “Well, Magnus was a fighter, so Edmund as you’re in his clothes I assume you will be a fighter if my theory is correct. Aubrey and Duck, which of you started in the wizard clothes? Because you’re both currently in Taako’s outfits.” Duck raised his hand, and she nodded. “I believe that you’ll be a wizard then, and Aubrey a cleric.” <br/>There was a beat. </p>
<p>“Wait, does that mean-” Aubrey held out her arms to try and light a flame in her palms. Nothing happened.</p>
<p>She tried a few more times, before thinking hard and trying to cast the first cleric spell she could think of – light – (saying the spell name and waving her hands around before tapping them on a sheet of paper on the desk didn’t work) but again, nothing happened. The Director suppressed a confused smile, before pausing. “Can you usually do magic, Aubrey? Because you know the cantrip, but not how to perform it.”</p>
<p>Aubrey explained that she could usually summon fire to her hands and occasionally move the wind etc. but never spells in the dungeons and dragons sense. The Director seemed confused at the concept of ‘dnd’, but was clearly intrigued by the magical rules of their world and looked like she was tempted to start taking notes when Ned jokingly attempted to copy her, and suddenly the paper was glowing a bright white and all of them jumped back. Ned held his hands out in front of him, alarmed, and stared at the surprised faces of everyone else in the room. “I didn’t mean to!” Lucretia’s eyes sparkled however, and as she moved the glowing paper to one side she set another piece in front of Duck, and gestured for him to try as well. </p>
<p><br/>He warily waved his hands around – bracelets jingling as he did so – and copied what Ned had done with his hands before rapping his knuckles on the paper and once again, it lit up glowing, this time in a light shade of blue. He seemed less shocked and more excited, talking half to himself about finally being able to do something cool with his magical powers. </p>
<p>Lucretia seemed confused, and asked them to clarify who’s clothes they arrived in – they explained, and she seemed satisfied with the answer. She explained to Ned that light is both a wizard and a cleric spell, and that he can only cast cleric spells – he nodded, but didn’t seem to be retaining much as he stifled a yawn. The others took this as a sign to finally go back to the room that Carey and Killian had set up for them, and try to get as much rest as they could before trying to figure out the world around them and, more urgently, how to get home, in the morning. </p>
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